MKE Express captain Jim Sutliffe will miss the game this Sunday against Concordia, but don’t think it’s just because he can’t find his skates, or has Blackhawks tickets, or has to ‘spend some time’ with his family.

Sutliffe is currently in Shanghai on behalf of his employer (Johnson Controls).  But he is also there on behalf of his hockey team.

“I think I’m on to something here,” Sutliffe says, over a cup of green tea.  “I think we’re going to revolutionize the game of hockey.”

Sutliffe has been doing some scouting of the local population in between his meetings, and believes that there is a keg of hockey talent just waiting to be tapped.

“Chinese have incredible sixth sense, eyesight and gumption.  Where I’m located, about half the moving traffic is on scooters.  Most don’t have headlights.  This is an incredibly amazing feat given a good portion of the streets do not have streetlamps.  They can pick their way through traffic like Teemu Selanne, Pavel Bure, or maybe even Jeff Shantz or John Kranich.”

Say what you want about climate change, but Sutliffe thinks there may be a collateral effect where these players may have developed super conditioning.

“Normally, you’d expect people to be dead on the streets from this sort of pollution.  Not here.  They’ve undergone the ‘Revolutionary Evolution’.  Their heart and lungs are probably twice as efficient as anyone outside of China.  I think we put the average 28 year old on the ice, and it makes Duncan Keith look like…. well … me.”

Sutliffe plans to propose a new nutritionist for MKE Express, preaching some Chinese dietary fundamentals.

“Extreme diet seems to be key.  I’m not sure what the whole fish head thing is … I’m not sure there’s much meat on a fish head.  Maybe that’s their key?  Pick at the flesh around the head and pretend you’re not hungry – this works for me.  Keep body fat under 10%.  One more item is their willingness to dive into something called 'Unexploded Eel wire'.  I’m not sure what that is.  Is it healthier than Exploding Eel wire?  I’m thinking they definitely explode at some point, it’s just a matter of where.  

“Oh, did I mention they eat corn on the cob with chopsticks and not the easy way.  Imagine what they could do with a hockey stick.”

But it’s not just the instincts, the lungs, and the diet.  Sutliffe believes the Chinese are mentally prepared to excel in North American hockey.

“Listen to these guys … leadership starts with a Declaration.  Strong leadership here … ‘don’t worry if a fire is occurring’.  That’s like being down 2-0 – but don’t worry.  I’m not sure what succor scattering is or does.  Let’s just call it weathering the storm.  Next, ‘there safeguards will take you out to the security belts’ … stick with the plan and play your game.  Last but not least, 'profess your excellency seat.'  Victory … kiss my ass because it is excellent.  These guys are of that Express material.”

According to MKE Express Executive Vice President of International Scouting Seth Levine, Sutliffe is asking for $15 million to get this Chinese feeder division off the ground.

“Sutliffe makes a pretty compelling case.  Attract.  Develop.  Retain.  And bring the best to Milwaukee to dominate the OCHL.  There’s no reason why it couldn’t happen exactly like that.  Well, maybe the pricetag.  That’s a lot of candy bars that our kids are going to have to sell to their classmates.  But I think the ends justify the means.”